Clogged thoughts

I feel like my mind is absolutely clogged with so many thoughts that I almost feel like it’s about to explode sharps thoughts. I think I have neglected myself so much lately, I use to go for a long walk, just me, myself and I and I would detox my head and soul and come back home feeling refreshed. Something simple as sitting in a shopping mall, in a corner of a cafe and watching the time lapse by and people walk by use to be the most therapeutic treat I could offer myself. I sadly don’t have the luxury of spending quality time with myself anymore.

I no longer have weekends and I have my Mondays like my Sundays; it’s all work orientated and to be honest despite the lack of what I use to enjoy and do during my break time I still think every minute that goes into my current job is well worth it. It’s my source of drive and passion. So what I do now is that, I use my commute from home to work or work to meeting as precious moments where I can spend with myself.

Just yesterday, I was so grateful for having the most mind relaxing walk. The sky was drizzling cool rain and it was creasing my cheeks. I was wrapped up well, so I was really warm but the cool breeze on my face and the buzzing road with traffic and the shiny surface of the floor made me live this different feeling of contentment.

Regardless, I think is about time I have law and order in my life. At least I'm catching up with my social life and life is taking it's normal path. However, I sometimes think if I was married I would probably be back to my parent’s house by now. My husband would think that I’m as useless as the beautiful sofa at home lol – on a serious note, I don’t know how my parents are putting up with my fluctuating work hours and my lack of having ‘family’ quality time. Forget all that, my grandfather who I live with thinks that I have lost the plot. To be frank I feel extremely guilty for not giving my grandfather the quality time he needs, or the quality time I use to give him before. I mean what’s the point of living with him if I’m out the house three quarter of the day?

Two things are currently pressing on my conscious thoughts and making me feel ever so guilty. One, is that I feel like I’m not fulfilling the responsibility of being chosen to be the one who cares for grandfather’s needs, to keep him accompany, to live like normal people in the house with him. Every night when I walk into the door, it hits me. He must’ve been sitting in the house for the past 5 hours all alone. I’m glad that he keeps himself busy with reading books, socialising over the phone, going out to pray at the local mosque. However, if it wasn’t for my mother & father who check on him on a daily basis I think I would’ve passed out due to guilt.

Two, I feel like I have no time to concentrate on my deen. I don’t remember the last time I have been to an Islamic lecture. The last time I went to pray jummah at the mosque, the last time I read deen boosting books. It’s scary thoughts because time is passing by and I'm consumed with other matters (yes, working in the charity sector is good but not enough) that wont let me grow spiritually, mentally and psychologically. I can’t help but think that I will die soon & at a young age – with this constantly pressing thought I wonder what I have prepared for my hereafter?

I guess acknowledging my faults and flaws is technically solving half of the problem, I just hope my journey to solve the rest doesn’t come to an end with a punctured tier.