What if?

Yes, what if I was on my deathbed, how significant everything around me would be? I had a little taster just less than 5 months ago when my beloved grandmother was fighting for her life. It was such unbearable feeling of total loss of control on my life and the will to do anything. Seeing my family and relatives congregate around the hospital’s corridor, each in his own world, praying, pleading and wishing for the best; are all moments I will never forget.

During that time, I was absolutely careless about my daily chores, university and clinical placement. I was oblivious to any deadlines, or appointment I would’ve made weeks or days earlier. All I was thinking about was my grandmother; would she make it out safe? Would her heart beat for a little longer and would she gain conscious so I can tell her, I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you had the heart attack? I’m sorry I wasn’t there with the family on the second day of Eid. I’m sorry that I didn’t sit with you a little longer the day before. I’m sorry.

For two weeks we received a mixture of both good and bad news, one day they say, she will be better and other that her organs are slowly letting her down and stopping to function. Between each feedback from the rotating doctors I would sit on scattered hospital’s chairs, changing each chair every 10 minutes; sometimes going out for a fresh air and trying to defocus from all the negative omens. It’s then when I would remember last time I sat with her.

It was on the first day of Eid and we were all at my uncle’s house. Family gathered, kids so happy and cheerful. The giggles and laughter are heard in each room. The girls were getting the dinner ready and it was only me out of all the family's girls who was sitting with my grandmother, mother, my grandmother’s sister in one of the rooms. I was sitting opposite to my grandmother, almost 1 meter gap between us. She was as elegant as always; this time she was wearing a full green Somali diric and looked so radiant. My eyes wouldn't stop looking at her and listening to her stories... but this time something else possessed me to not leave her sight. I was fixed for more than 15 minutes just looking at her, her words still echos in my ears, her smile I will never forget. It was as if some part of me knew that this was my last chance and I should make the most of it. This was the last time I sat with her and enjoyed her company.

Now she is gone and I pray that she is resting in peace inshallah.

What brings me to write about this today is my need to tell myself to not give myself hard times. My university workload and my will to give up sometimes, makes me think as to why I overstress about all worldly matters? What if I was on my deathbed, would I really care?

I haven’t seen my siblings for a very long time, I don’t get to speak to my parents as often as I would like to. I worry about my last year of university and how much I need to please myself and my parents with a degree. Days pass by and I don’t enjoy it as much I would love to, because I prioritise things. I’m honestly counting the days till I graduate and the icing on the cake would be me landing on a dream job.

I do realise that all this would be worth it at the end, all the time I didn’t get to spend with my loved ones, will come in the form of a degree gift wrapped in a beautiful graduation gown, plus a permanent planted smile on my face.

This will be for my grandmother I will make her proud and I will see her smile through my grandfather and through my parents. I shall draw inspiration from her to continue and grow strong. I will make her proud to be her first grandchildren who graduates.

To the woman who deserves it all, to you ayeeyo (grandmother)!