A day before November

It is a chilly night and I’m sitting in my favourite spot in the house which usually doesn’t have mobile signal. My bone marrow is aching let alone my whole body. Today I wanted to treat myself with couple of new outfits so I went shopping after work, all alone. Not only did I have time for myself but I had time to be in exclusion with myself.  My thoughts process and my surroundings where running parallel to each other and at some point I was engrossed in a complete thinking mode. I was revaluating my life.

Like any other person on this plant we have fears to overcome and I’m the type that once I fall in the trap of any fear it takes me forever to identify it, acknowledge it and solve it. It’s a vicious cycle. Anyway the too much thinking has made me feel over exhausted. I just want to pause the time have it pass by, by my own accord. Little do I know that my wish can’t be granted.

Tomorrow will be another day full of positivity inshallah and I’m counting my blessings today and grateful for yesterday – Alhmduallah! 

Clogged thoughts

I feel like my mind is absolutely clogged with so many thoughts that I almost feel like it’s about to explode sharps thoughts. I think I have neglected myself so much lately, I use to go for a long walk, just me, myself and I and I would detox my head and soul and come back home feeling refreshed. Something simple as sitting in a shopping mall, in a corner of a cafe and watching the time lapse by and people walk by use to be the most therapeutic treat I could offer myself. I sadly don’t have the luxury of spending quality time with myself anymore.

I no longer have weekends and I have my Mondays like my Sundays; it’s all work orientated and to be honest despite the lack of what I use to enjoy and do during my break time I still think every minute that goes into my current job is well worth it. It’s my source of drive and passion. So what I do now is that, I use my commute from home to work or work to meeting as precious moments where I can spend with myself.

Just yesterday, I was so grateful for having the most mind relaxing walk. The sky was drizzling cool rain and it was creasing my cheeks. I was wrapped up well, so I was really warm but the cool breeze on my face and the buzzing road with traffic and the shiny surface of the floor made me live this different feeling of contentment.

Regardless, I think is about time I have law and order in my life. At least I'm catching up with my social life and life is taking it's normal path. However, I sometimes think if I was married I would probably be back to my parent’s house by now. My husband would think that I’m as useless as the beautiful sofa at home lol – on a serious note, I don’t know how my parents are putting up with my fluctuating work hours and my lack of having ‘family’ quality time. Forget all that, my grandfather who I live with thinks that I have lost the plot. To be frank I feel extremely guilty for not giving my grandfather the quality time he needs, or the quality time I use to give him before. I mean what’s the point of living with him if I’m out the house three quarter of the day?

Two things are currently pressing on my conscious thoughts and making me feel ever so guilty. One, is that I feel like I’m not fulfilling the responsibility of being chosen to be the one who cares for grandfather’s needs, to keep him accompany, to live like normal people in the house with him. Every night when I walk into the door, it hits me. He must’ve been sitting in the house for the past 5 hours all alone. I’m glad that he keeps himself busy with reading books, socialising over the phone, going out to pray at the local mosque. However, if it wasn’t for my mother & father who check on him on a daily basis I think I would’ve passed out due to guilt.

Two, I feel like I have no time to concentrate on my deen. I don’t remember the last time I have been to an Islamic lecture. The last time I went to pray jummah at the mosque, the last time I read deen boosting books. It’s scary thoughts because time is passing by and I'm consumed with other matters (yes, working in the charity sector is good but not enough) that wont let me grow spiritually, mentally and psychologically. I can’t help but think that I will die soon & at a young age – with this constantly pressing thought I wonder what I have prepared for my hereafter?

I guess acknowledging my faults and flaws is technically solving half of the problem, I just hope my journey to solve the rest doesn’t come to an end with a punctured tier.   

A point of no return

I have never thought that I would find where my passion lies while I reside in this life. Many of us strive to love their jobs even if they dislike it. But it’s unnatural to do so; to force yourself is to suppress your zeal. From a young age I wanted to study something which I can benefit myself and my people with, for me both go hand in hand. From the age of 5  I always wanted to be a doctor, something which never happened and I’m glad that it didn’t happen either.

I was somehow forced to shape my mind and think a little outside the box. I didn’t want to study what everyone usually studies and I definitely didn’t want to be tagged with the usual status of Dr.Bihi, even though my surname is a unique one which would do the medical field justice *wink*.

I ended up studying ‘science’ related course and I have become a medical radiation/radiotherapy graduate. A university course which ¾ of you might never heard off before. Just to save you the Google search, it’s a specialized method of treatment for cancer patients using radioactive material. So yeah if you ever hear the word radiography, we don’t work in radio stations or have anything to do with radio shows.

Today I have a degree under my belt, of which I can call one of the most intriguing courses one can ever embark on. Highly specialized and valued in the medical field. However, I’m yet to feel that I can do something more substantial with it. I don’t mean taking masters or PhD to do it justice; is just that I don’t want to shackle myself with 9am to 5pm job which I would be far too consumed with how to secure a comfortable lifestyle and ways to go up the ladder. It encourages individualistic approach to life. I’m for the thought that says you don’t live for yourself, you live for the sake of others, or else what’s the value of living with others if you're no use to them?

I’m so eager to be the first to bring radiotherapy services to Somalia. Many die due to cancer and half of them they don’t get the right diagnosis because there isn’t good medical infrastructure in Somalia. I want to be the first to mobilize this side of medical specialist and why not? What’s stopping me?

I and my dear father would sometimes debate on the above point. His argument is that, I need to build myself and future in order to bring greater benefit to my people. I totally agree with him but not in this era, today we have the opportunity to challenge ourselves but outside the traditional ways. Having a degree is not everything today and this is something I can talk about at a later date. But why do we have to feel that we need to follow the safest route? Where is the adventurous soul in us? Nothing can shape a person other than going through trial and error, you become more vigilant and stronger than ever before and I rather take this path than be on the safe side and take the usual route.

Alhmduallah, as I speak I can say that I have had the opportunity to see and experience many things just in the past couple of months. Allah is generous and he opened many doors for me, I seek his guidance and he sees my intentions.  Every day I mature a little, I see more and do more and I hope that every little that I treasure is something I can help my people and ummah with.

My degree is waiting for me to use it wisely but for now I dedicate my time and energy for the sake of Somalia's crisis. But regardless, here I’m to embark on a personal challenge.

Life is good!

Baking my heart out!

Like everyone else I have this really bad habit of wanting to do everything I desire but my revision or waiting coursework. When I'm free and have no commitments I don't get inspired to do anything else but to do nothing all day. I'm working on it!

Now that I have exams coming up, I literally want to do everything, including baking cupcakes daily. Insane I know.

Since I have baked the hummingbird cupcakes couple of weeks ago and I have been meaning to make some more. Dear family and friends been on my case ever since. I really want to but the oven in my grandfather's house is not functioning and so I have to bake at my uncle's - 5 mints away!

Next week we will have picnic inshallah, I plan on making some then. I'm just thinking whether to make the same red velvet cupcake or fudge cupcakes. Eeek, I'm just too excited. I hope the weather stays pleasant at this week.

It's a reality dream

There is no harm in dreaming. It’s actually a beautiful subconscious thought which are instigated by things we need to complete in our life. Things which we think of as the ideal lifestyle. I have always known that there is no way that I will spend the rest of my life in England. I’m a nomad by nature and living in an entirely industrialised city which is polluted with hefty air and grumpy faces is not what I aspire to. I need to live in a country, city or town which is rich with culture, soulful people and beautiful scenery. Africa it’s for sure, perhaps my beloved country. But till it rest in peace I shall look for a nearby second home, similar in characteristics and spirit.

I want to wake up every morning to the dew on my window and be able to wipe it with my bare hand and have the first glimpse of the sunrise sight. See the dust mount the horizon at distant while my lung get filled with the whiff of the freshly baked bread I make and the authentic coffee. I want to have a massive cottage house which is generous with rooms for me and my family and guests. In my house the furniture will be kept bright and minimal. The large French windows will be draped with sight pleasing curtains that allows the shy sunrays to summon the  house with happiness and mirth. 

Each room will have a character of its own. One of those rooms will be the family study room. Mini library if you wish to call it. It will feel old in age with its oak shelves and brown leather arm chairs. Catalogues of old books will fill the shelves like a set of dominos. Each book will be there to feed the soul and mind of my family.

Out on the soil I will force myself to be a keen gardener at least for the sake of my flowers which I plan to invest some time in so that I have flowers which will beautify my kitchen table and every corner of my house. On the other side I will plant organic vegetables of all sorts. I won’t feed my household other than what my sweat and long days under the sun yields.

Time for all those who are around me, family, neighbours and my community. Once a week I will tutor the less fortunate neighbour’s children and volunteer at the local school and hospital and be of any assistance they might require.

Every weekend is neighbours, friends and relative gathering in my garden. Where we will fill the silence with laughter and the delicious smell of the sizzling BBQ. The children will run with bare foot around and amuse us with their giggles untill the sunsets.

Installing the sense of taking and giving back to the community in my family is paramount to me. After all what are we but a replica of one gene, which needs and feels the same.

I want to do so many things inshallah. For example, learning how to sew/knit and teaching the local women so they can make a living out of it. Open an orphanage or a charity and dedicate my spare time for the less fortunate. I want to enforce women right and educate the upcoming generation. I want to install courage, freedom, love and peace in others so that I can draw from it too and together grow stronger.

When it comes to this kind of moments, I only realise how tough it’s to achieve your dreams, regardless to how realistic it is. What I know is that one day I will be blessed with a beautiful family and beautiful surrounding. When and where, only god knows and for now I will keep dreaming and working towards it.

Just a moment!

I'm in this beautiful indescribable mood. I don't know what instigated it, exactly like other things in my life. I have so many questions in my head right this mint tho. It might sound awkward listing out but I will do it:

- How would I be feeling like next week same time, 15 hours before my thesis hand in time?
- Why do I feel like flying when I'm wearing pimpsoles and my steps on the ground feel light as feather?
- When will I reach a point where I would NOT care about other people's opinions?
- Where would I be in 12 months time and what will be new in my life?


ps: look at the photo below and ponder, in less than 5 mint, you would feel beautiful inside.

                            

What if?

Yes, what if I was on my deathbed, how significant everything around me would be? I had a little taster just less than 5 months ago when my beloved grandmother was fighting for her life. It was such unbearable feeling of total loss of control on my life and the will to do anything. Seeing my family and relatives congregate around the hospital’s corridor, each in his own world, praying, pleading and wishing for the best; are all moments I will never forget.

During that time, I was absolutely careless about my daily chores, university and clinical placement. I was oblivious to any deadlines, or appointment I would’ve made weeks or days earlier. All I was thinking about was my grandmother; would she make it out safe? Would her heart beat for a little longer and would she gain conscious so I can tell her, I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you had the heart attack? I’m sorry I wasn’t there with the family on the second day of Eid. I’m sorry that I didn’t sit with you a little longer the day before. I’m sorry.

For two weeks we received a mixture of both good and bad news, one day they say, she will be better and other that her organs are slowly letting her down and stopping to function. Between each feedback from the rotating doctors I would sit on scattered hospital’s chairs, changing each chair every 10 minutes; sometimes going out for a fresh air and trying to defocus from all the negative omens. It’s then when I would remember last time I sat with her.

It was on the first day of Eid and we were all at my uncle’s house. Family gathered, kids so happy and cheerful. The giggles and laughter are heard in each room. The girls were getting the dinner ready and it was only me out of all the family's girls who was sitting with my grandmother, mother, my grandmother’s sister in one of the rooms. I was sitting opposite to my grandmother, almost 1 meter gap between us. She was as elegant as always; this time she was wearing a full green Somali diric and looked so radiant. My eyes wouldn't stop looking at her and listening to her stories... but this time something else possessed me to not leave her sight. I was fixed for more than 15 minutes just looking at her, her words still echos in my ears, her smile I will never forget. It was as if some part of me knew that this was my last chance and I should make the most of it. This was the last time I sat with her and enjoyed her company.

Now she is gone and I pray that she is resting in peace inshallah.

What brings me to write about this today is my need to tell myself to not give myself hard times. My university workload and my will to give up sometimes, makes me think as to why I overstress about all worldly matters? What if I was on my deathbed, would I really care?

I haven’t seen my siblings for a very long time, I don’t get to speak to my parents as often as I would like to. I worry about my last year of university and how much I need to please myself and my parents with a degree. Days pass by and I don’t enjoy it as much I would love to, because I prioritise things. I’m honestly counting the days till I graduate and the icing on the cake would be me landing on a dream job.

I do realise that all this would be worth it at the end, all the time I didn’t get to spend with my loved ones, will come in the form of a degree gift wrapped in a beautiful graduation gown, plus a permanent planted smile on my face.

This will be for my grandmother I will make her proud and I will see her smile through my grandfather and through my parents. I shall draw inspiration from her to continue and grow strong. I will make her proud to be her first grandchildren who graduates.

To the woman who deserves it all, to you ayeeyo (grandmother)!