Baking my heart out!

Like everyone else I have this really bad habit of wanting to do everything I desire but my revision or waiting coursework. When I'm free and have no commitments I don't get inspired to do anything else but to do nothing all day. I'm working on it!

Now that I have exams coming up, I literally want to do everything, including baking cupcakes daily. Insane I know.

Since I have baked the hummingbird cupcakes couple of weeks ago and I have been meaning to make some more. Dear family and friends been on my case ever since. I really want to but the oven in my grandfather's house is not functioning and so I have to bake at my uncle's - 5 mints away!

Next week we will have picnic inshallah, I plan on making some then. I'm just thinking whether to make the same red velvet cupcake or fudge cupcakes. Eeek, I'm just too excited. I hope the weather stays pleasant at this week.

It's a reality dream

There is no harm in dreaming. It’s actually a beautiful subconscious thought which are instigated by things we need to complete in our life. Things which we think of as the ideal lifestyle. I have always known that there is no way that I will spend the rest of my life in England. I’m a nomad by nature and living in an entirely industrialised city which is polluted with hefty air and grumpy faces is not what I aspire to. I need to live in a country, city or town which is rich with culture, soulful people and beautiful scenery. Africa it’s for sure, perhaps my beloved country. But till it rest in peace I shall look for a nearby second home, similar in characteristics and spirit.

I want to wake up every morning to the dew on my window and be able to wipe it with my bare hand and have the first glimpse of the sunrise sight. See the dust mount the horizon at distant while my lung get filled with the whiff of the freshly baked bread I make and the authentic coffee. I want to have a massive cottage house which is generous with rooms for me and my family and guests. In my house the furniture will be kept bright and minimal. The large French windows will be draped with sight pleasing curtains that allows the shy sunrays to summon the  house with happiness and mirth. 

Each room will have a character of its own. One of those rooms will be the family study room. Mini library if you wish to call it. It will feel old in age with its oak shelves and brown leather arm chairs. Catalogues of old books will fill the shelves like a set of dominos. Each book will be there to feed the soul and mind of my family.

Out on the soil I will force myself to be a keen gardener at least for the sake of my flowers which I plan to invest some time in so that I have flowers which will beautify my kitchen table and every corner of my house. On the other side I will plant organic vegetables of all sorts. I won’t feed my household other than what my sweat and long days under the sun yields.

Time for all those who are around me, family, neighbours and my community. Once a week I will tutor the less fortunate neighbour’s children and volunteer at the local school and hospital and be of any assistance they might require.

Every weekend is neighbours, friends and relative gathering in my garden. Where we will fill the silence with laughter and the delicious smell of the sizzling BBQ. The children will run with bare foot around and amuse us with their giggles untill the sunsets.

Installing the sense of taking and giving back to the community in my family is paramount to me. After all what are we but a replica of one gene, which needs and feels the same.

I want to do so many things inshallah. For example, learning how to sew/knit and teaching the local women so they can make a living out of it. Open an orphanage or a charity and dedicate my spare time for the less fortunate. I want to enforce women right and educate the upcoming generation. I want to install courage, freedom, love and peace in others so that I can draw from it too and together grow stronger.

When it comes to this kind of moments, I only realise how tough it’s to achieve your dreams, regardless to how realistic it is. What I know is that one day I will be blessed with a beautiful family and beautiful surrounding. When and where, only god knows and for now I will keep dreaming and working towards it.

Just a moment!

I'm in this beautiful indescribable mood. I don't know what instigated it, exactly like other things in my life. I have so many questions in my head right this mint tho. It might sound awkward listing out but I will do it:

- How would I be feeling like next week same time, 15 hours before my thesis hand in time?
- Why do I feel like flying when I'm wearing pimpsoles and my steps on the ground feel light as feather?
- When will I reach a point where I would NOT care about other people's opinions?
- Where would I be in 12 months time and what will be new in my life?


ps: look at the photo below and ponder, in less than 5 mint, you would feel beautiful inside.

                            

What if?

Yes, what if I was on my deathbed, how significant everything around me would be? I had a little taster just less than 5 months ago when my beloved grandmother was fighting for her life. It was such unbearable feeling of total loss of control on my life and the will to do anything. Seeing my family and relatives congregate around the hospital’s corridor, each in his own world, praying, pleading and wishing for the best; are all moments I will never forget.

During that time, I was absolutely careless about my daily chores, university and clinical placement. I was oblivious to any deadlines, or appointment I would’ve made weeks or days earlier. All I was thinking about was my grandmother; would she make it out safe? Would her heart beat for a little longer and would she gain conscious so I can tell her, I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you had the heart attack? I’m sorry I wasn’t there with the family on the second day of Eid. I’m sorry that I didn’t sit with you a little longer the day before. I’m sorry.

For two weeks we received a mixture of both good and bad news, one day they say, she will be better and other that her organs are slowly letting her down and stopping to function. Between each feedback from the rotating doctors I would sit on scattered hospital’s chairs, changing each chair every 10 minutes; sometimes going out for a fresh air and trying to defocus from all the negative omens. It’s then when I would remember last time I sat with her.

It was on the first day of Eid and we were all at my uncle’s house. Family gathered, kids so happy and cheerful. The giggles and laughter are heard in each room. The girls were getting the dinner ready and it was only me out of all the family's girls who was sitting with my grandmother, mother, my grandmother’s sister in one of the rooms. I was sitting opposite to my grandmother, almost 1 meter gap between us. She was as elegant as always; this time she was wearing a full green Somali diric and looked so radiant. My eyes wouldn't stop looking at her and listening to her stories... but this time something else possessed me to not leave her sight. I was fixed for more than 15 minutes just looking at her, her words still echos in my ears, her smile I will never forget. It was as if some part of me knew that this was my last chance and I should make the most of it. This was the last time I sat with her and enjoyed her company.

Now she is gone and I pray that she is resting in peace inshallah.

What brings me to write about this today is my need to tell myself to not give myself hard times. My university workload and my will to give up sometimes, makes me think as to why I overstress about all worldly matters? What if I was on my deathbed, would I really care?

I haven’t seen my siblings for a very long time, I don’t get to speak to my parents as often as I would like to. I worry about my last year of university and how much I need to please myself and my parents with a degree. Days pass by and I don’t enjoy it as much I would love to, because I prioritise things. I’m honestly counting the days till I graduate and the icing on the cake would be me landing on a dream job.

I do realise that all this would be worth it at the end, all the time I didn’t get to spend with my loved ones, will come in the form of a degree gift wrapped in a beautiful graduation gown, plus a permanent planted smile on my face.

This will be for my grandmother I will make her proud and I will see her smile through my grandfather and through my parents. I shall draw inspiration from her to continue and grow strong. I will make her proud to be her first grandchildren who graduates.

To the woman who deserves it all, to you ayeeyo (grandmother)!

A piece of my heart for you, my friends!

Despite what I’m going through at the moment and what I have been through in the past couple months, I’m still counting my blessings. I tend to ponder a lot on little things in my life that means so much to me. Things such as a friend’s gesture to help when I’m going through tough times; perhaps a positive talk as a booster by my parents or even an effort to make me happy by someone dear to me when I’m feeling down.

I have lost count of the number of times I had actually felt content, absolutely content with my circle of friends. I’m so fortunate to have a bunch of diverse, strong, caring, loving, passionate and supportive friends in my humble life.  The circle is getting bigger and better as I stumble across new individuals every now and then. some of you we still getting to know each other and other's already settled in my heart and mind. It actually makes me wonder if I’m giving anything in return. For now all I know is that I love them all and you know who you’re; because one way or another I must’ve told you that I love you or soon you hear it because you deserve it.  

For us friends!

Your facial expression

Lately I have become so obsessed with facial expressions and body language. Well I’ve always been and I’ve always judged people by their expressions. I think I can read people’s feelings through how they express themselves both bodily and facially. Surely everyone can figure out the basic expressions; like differentiating between an angry and a happy face.

I find it more fascinating when I analyse someone’s face and instantly ask them what’s wrong with them and their answer matches my own thoughts. I believe this is a valuable skill to have. But you know what? Sometimes I over read it and it worries me to approach someone because I know what they would say. I wonder most of the time if I would have the right response to elevate some of their burden or even share their happiness when I’m in awful mood.

It was only a month ago when I was commuting with friends on the bus and I realised this middle aged white man looking at me abstractedly. It throw me away for a couple of seconds; especially when he couldn’t get his eyes off us. I let it pass and I didn’t comment but then he initiated a conversation. He said without any prior greeting ‘wow, do you know how many facial expressions you guys have made in the past 5 minutes?’ – Now, at this point I actually laughed. Firstly, he was a stranger conversing with us about our facial expressions and secondly he was confident enough to expect a reply from us. We could’ve easily pretended that he was perving on us.

I with my curious nature continued the conversation with him and we talked for a long time, mind you everyone on the bus was stunned at the depth of our conversation and I can see people’s eyes on us. Regardless, I found the conversation even more intriguing since then.

I’m also growing fond of photographs of facial expressions & portraits, especially B&W. Everything about it; the smallest of details makes me appreciate every muscle in our face and its capability.

truly a photograph can tell a story

I don't even know who he is but god, do I love the expression?!

This another clip a friend share with me, love it.

I sometimes can't wait to age with time, to see my face changing and telling my story and journey, it's truly a pleasure to witness it with my own eyes. Things should be left to change and no one should tamper with nature.

Behind the Scenes

Is it your face
that adorns the garden?

Is it your fragrance
that intoxicates this garden?

Is it your spirit
that has made this brook
a river of wine?

Hundreds have looked for you
and died searching
in this garden
where you hide behind the scenes.

But this pain is not for those
who come as lovers.

You are easy to find here.

You are in the breeze
and in this river of wine.

- Rumi